


If You Like It Then You Shoulda Put A Ri- Oh Wait. You Did.

by Liliako



Category: Big Time Rush RPF
Genre: Black Out, Hijinks & Shenanigans, How did we get naked?, M/M, Mawwage, Mawwage is what bwings us togeva today., What the hell happened last night?, assholes, bros, hangovers, that bwessed awwangement that dweam wivin a dweam.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 14:47:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5008801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliako/pseuds/Liliako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i> “When the fuck did you get married?!” Logan yelled, waving the hand for emphasis.</i><br/>  <i>“I didn’t! I don’t remember! Where did this come from!? Did you put it on me?” Kendall relaxed for a moment, “Ha-ha, good one, okay, prank’s over, you got me."</i></p><p>After a night of clubbing and drinking, Kendall wakes up naked next to Logan and with a wedding ring on his finger.  Oops?</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Like It Then You Shoulda Put A Ri- Oh Wait. You Did.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on LJ here: http://liliako.livejournal.com/10601.html#cutid1 back in 2011 before BTR actually ended, as referenced in the fic.
> 
> For the kink meme prompt: After a night of clubbing and drinking, Kendall wakes up naked next to Logan and with a wedding ring on his finger. RPS http://community.livejournal.com/btr_kink/2901.html?thread=589653#t589653

The jack hammering noises were something Kendall was used to waking up to by now, since the stupid construction in the building next door never seemed to end, but now they were amplified. It felt like the big burly construction dude was right next to his ear, possibly trying to get through his ear drum. God damn hangover. 

Kendall tried to think of what was in the fridge or the cupboards that would help before he could slog out of the house, meet Logan at their regular greasy spoon diner and ask him what the _fuck_ Kendall did last night. Or more specifically, what did he drink that caused him to not remember anything like an idiot. They usually didn’t get out of hand, not that the paps still followed them around. It would be a little creepy for those Tiger Beat guys to lurk outside with the bell hop when Big Time Rush had been over for a year now. At the ripe old age of twenty five, Kendall was pretty certain Logan didn’t count as fodder for the tweener mags anymore either; there was some sort of secret code that unless you were a mega star you just disappeared like all the other washed up boy bands and child stars.

He stretched, felt parts of his spine slide back into place, different muscles aching and that- oh, hey, naked under his bed sheet, awesome. Kendall tried to peek open one eye to see if he could see if there was another body with him but he was on his left side facing the window where the sun was starting to rise and that was bright so, yeah, no more peeking. New tactic-- touch. 

Kendall carefully reached his right hand back, close to his own body until his hand hit the empty mattress. Not in bed with a snuggler then, which meant if a person existed they hopefully wouldn’t be one of those awful clingers who wanted his number and to do breakfast and stuff. He pushed his hand slowly farther away on the mattress, hoping that they wouldn’t end in an awkward ‘Good morning, yes that is my hand in your crotch/spleen/eyeball, sorry’.

Kendall relaxed a little when his fingers finally touched what he was almost positive was back muscle. The way it curved away from the bed seemed like the person was on their side as well, facing away from him. As long as he didn’t wake them up, he had a little bit of the upper hand on trying to remember their name. He gently let the backs of his fingers glide up to the dip of the spine before he laid his finger tips on warm skin. Touching now was a little dangerous because too light and it could be ticklish and wake them up, but too hard and the same affect might occur. Kendall slowly laid on his back so his arm wasn’t in such an awkward position, but he kept his eyes closed because it was still far too bright out. Pushing with what he hoped was just the right amount of pressure, his finger tips made their way up past a shoulder blade, and once they reached the curve of the shoulder he followed it to the neck. Short hair. Unless it was spilling all over the pillow in one of those artsy type ways that never really happened in real life.  Pushing his luck, Kendall pressed his fingers up into the thick hair and wiggled his fingers to find out that it was, indeed, short hair.

The body next to him let out a deep breath, relaxed. On stupid impulse to be a mischief maker and ruin their calm, Kendall ran his nails lightly down their spine, feeling the bed shift as they wiggled, hearing the snuffling of being half awake, before settling his hand at the base of their neck. The body stretched, weighing the mattress down at different points and a decidedly male register voice grumbled something.

The guy rolled over and Kendall let his hand slide so the heel was against a strong collar bone. He was enjoying this little game of wondering what the guy looked like by tracing his body contours and imagining. Mystery guy apparently had the same idea or wasn’t vocalizing anymore but his hands had reached out. One sat comfortably with its palm against Kendall’s side while the other had seemed to fall from the sky and magically land right over his heart then slid down his chest and torso to rest on his far hip.

The move struck Kendall as something kind of bold and intimate at the same time and he wished he remembered what had happened last night. Maybe sense memory would help, or at least that was his reason for rolling onto his side, sliding his hand up to cradle the guys head and subjecting him to the dreaded morning after breath kiss.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t as horrible tasting as Kendall had expected, dude was a pretty good kisser, not even seeming to be self conscious about the morning breath. They kissed slow because there was still jack hammering outside and also in Kendall’s brain which made _everything_ kind of slow. When the guy pushed forward, easing Kendall onto his back again before straddling him, Kendall was beginning to hope this guy was pretty chill because he was never opposed to morning sex or the morning make out sessions that other people seemed to avoid. Mystery man rolled his hips and Kendall groaned into their kiss—

And his stomach growled. Loudly.

The guy broke off their kiss, sitting back with a smug sounding laugh that Kendall suddenly realized he knew.

His eyes popped open and he blinked rapidly so they could adjust but he watched as mystery guy slowly opened his eyes with a cheeky lop-sided smirk.

“Holyshit,” Logan breathed out and all smugness drained out of him.

“What the fuck,” Kendall said but didn’t let go of where he had a hold of Logan on the side of his neck.

“I don’t remember-“

“Me neither- I was going to call you and ask but you’re here, _in my bed_ , and what the fuck did we do?” They stared at each other, still in shock, gaping a little for a moment. Then Logan gave a little sigh and shrugged a shoulder.

“Well seeing as, y’know, we’re naked and all, I’d hazard a guess that I fucked you,” he said causally, like this was a normal occurrence. Which it certainly wasn’t. Ever.

“Excuse me?” Kendall bristled, snorting. “I’m pretty sure _I’d_ do _you_ if we ever did _it_ ,” he explained, seeing that they weren’t going to touch on the whole ‘we obviously did something naked together, and just kissed a second ago there’, he moved right on to manly pride about who conquered who. Logan just smirked.

“Really? How sore is your ass right now?”

“It’s not!” Kendall smacked Logan’s shoulder “But how’s yours doing?” he sassed back but Logan was unfazed, smirk firmly in place and the smugness coming back.

“Feeling un-fucked, I can tell you that much. Unless you’re not as big as your pants make you look?”

Kendall shoved at Logan, who was snickering, and waved with his left hand at his pelvis, that Logan was still sitting on. “Don’t insult the legend, dude!” Logan looked down and his laughter suddenly stopped and his eyes got wide. “Okay, I know it’s impressive and all, but the sheer look of terror on your face isn’t the reaction I was expecting. Or the reaction I usually get.”

Logan grabbed Kendall’s left hand by the wrist and wrenched it up into Kendall’s face, pointing at his ring finger. “When the fuck did you get _married?!_ ” Logan yelled, waving the hand for emphasis.

“I didn’t! I don’t remember! Where did this come from!? Did you put it on me?” Kendall relaxed for a moment, “Ha-ha, good one, okay, prank’s over, you got me. Get me blackout drunk, I probably puked on your or something and this is how you got me back, I get it. Freak me out that we messed around and then if that didn’t work there was the back up of a secret marriage, that’s a good one, man, really.” But Logan didn’t have that happy little _‘Gotcha!’_ look. He had this weird expression, still looking at the ring, then he glanced back at Kendall and raised an eyebrow.

“You really think I’d go through all that work just to prank you? I’m a lazy sonuva bitch, that’s far too elaborate. Putting saran wrap over your toilet that once was taxing enough, this would be so much effort,” he shook his head and let go of Kendall’s hand. “What kind of spasmatic freak would marry your crazy ass anyway? She must have had her beer goggles on.”

“I resent that!” Kendall poked Logan in the shoulder, hard. “There are millions of girls that want to marry me, remember the signs? And the tweets? And the fanmail? And the websites?” Logan barked out a laugh and Kendall frowned grumpily.

“Remember those other websites we found with all those stories? Those girls would probably drown in their own pools of drool or their brains would explode knowing the position we’re in right now.” Right. Fanfiction they’d called it? Kevin had mentioned it to him and he’d run across some when he’d been trying to google some of his favorite bands, but he’d never really read any. James and Carlos would occasionally have dramatic readings of some off their phones when they were stuck in traffic together or things got boring on the tour bus, and that shit was always funny because it sounded so out there, befitting of how they called it crackfic. Anyway, none of that was the point.

“No, seriously, what the fuck, though?” Kendall asked, wiggling it off his finger and examining it for clues. Logan snatched it away and did the same, turning it to see the inside if there was an inscription, and that’s when Kendall saw it. “ _Logan!_ ” 

“What? There’s nothing in here-“

“You have one too! On your hand! The thing! The ring!” Kendall sputtered and waved his hands because his brain has connected the dots, but Logan was still flipping Kendall’s ring around in his fingers, not knowing what was sitting on his own ring finger.

“What are you babbling about now?” He didn’t look at Kendall, just squinted harder at Kendall’s ring.

“You!” Kendall grabbed Logan’s left wrist and yanked on it, causing Logan to fumble and drop the ring, when he tried to look for it, Kendall grabbed Logan’s chin with his other hand. “You have a ring too! You got secret drunk married too!” He shook Logan’s hand in front of his face.

“What the fuck is going on here?!” Logan yelled, wrenching his hand and face away from Kendall, kneeling up, he finally wasn’t sitting straddled on Kendall anymore. He sat cross-legged on his side of the bed and boggled at his hand. Kendall scrambled to sit up and he felt like his head was about to explode, not only because of his hangover but also because-

“ _We got married, Logan!_ ” Kendall hurt his own head with the shout but it was pretty necessary. It was also necessary to grab onto Logan’s shoulders with both of his hands because sitting up so fast had been a terrible idea. Logan’s head snapped to look at him with a twisted look of horror.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake! God damn the repeal on Prop 8 if it leads to this!” Logan groaned in agony, “My family is going to kill me for marrying you, you flouncy hipster!”

“Flouncy hipster?! _My_ family is going to kill _me_ because we didn’t invite them to the wedding!”

Logan turned away suddenly and pushed things around on the bedside table. “If we got married there’d be a certificate, at least, and if we went to one of those eloping drive up places there’d be a drunk ass picture of us, right?”

“Right!” Kendall turned to his own bedside table and immediately saw his phone with a sticky note on top. ‘ _Call me- C_ ’ it read. “ _Carlos!_ ”

“What?” Logan called over his shoulder as he yanked open the top drawer.

“Carlos! He was here! There’s a sticky note on my phone! Hold on,” Kendall fumbled around and smashed at his phone, eagerly waiting through what felt like a million rings until Carlos picked up.

‘ _Mmm, yeeeessssss?_ ’ Carlos answered with the tone of dastard tomfoolery. Stupid fucking douchebag. He’d set them up.

“You stupid douchebag, what did you do?!” Kendall demanded loudly into his phone and winced. He really needed some Advil and carbs right-thefuck-now.

‘ _Meeeeee? Little old meeee? Why Kendall, I am shocked that you think I had something to do with you and Logan getting married!_ ’ Kendall heard laughing in the background.

“Fuck you! Is that Maslow and Glickman behind you? Tell them I hate them!” Logan, who’s sitting on the bed again next to Kendall’s outstretched legs making impassioned facial expressions of hatred too, smacked Kendall’s leg. “Logan hates you all too.”

‘ _Stephen, James, the newlyweds say thank you for making their dreams come true!_ ’ Kendall’s grumpy frown only gets grumpier when he heard them all roaring with laughter through the phone.

“They’re laughing at us, aren’t they?” Logan asked, and Kendall just nodded in reply. Logan let out a frustrated sigh and flopped onto his back, arms hanging over the end of the bed.

‘ _Now, don’t worry your pretty little heads, I just got sick of your drunk texts and when I called to make sure you weren’t alone I found out Logan was there and well, this is the sort of thing that comes out of the maniacal minds of three grown men playing Apples to Apples and watching the game,_ ’ Carlos explained, not that it made anything better. _‘One of Glickman’s friends is a costume person who has a bunch of rings. We picked you two up from the bar so you wouldn’t injure yourselves, you were both passed out before we even got you home, and well, you know the rest.’_

“So what you’re saying is you guys are assholes and Logan and I aren’t legally married?” Logan picked up his head in interest.

‘ _Pretty much. We put rings on you, posed you into a cute little snuggly picture of marital joy on your bed and left you to fend for yourselves. I’ll send you the picture in a minute._ ’

“Gee thanks, glad to know we have such nice friends looking out for us,” Kendall hoped Carlos got all the sarcasm dripping off the words. He waved his hand at Logan to relax, which Logan rolled his eyes and dropped his head back onto the mattress. “You can all go fuck yourselves.”

 _‘We love you too, baby! Say hi to the wife for us!’_ Kendall had to chuckle as he ended the call.

“They say you’re the wife,” He goaded and Logan just flipped him off. “They have a picture of us in marital bliss,” he said. “It’s downloading now…… Huh.”

“What?” Logan sat up again and scooted closer. “Am I making you a sandwich?”

“Nope,” Kendall showed his phone to Logan. The picture was the two of them, curled up facing each other with their left hands clasped together under their chins, almost nose to nose.

“So they didn’t leave us naked,” Logan pointed out, noticing that their jean clad legs were all tangled together and how Kendall’s flannel was prominently displayed while Logan’s grey hoodie melded into the background.

“Nope,” Kendall said again with a shrug.

“Huh.”  Logan looked at Kendall with a serious face. “So your ass really doesn’t hurt?” And it’s so deadpan and obvious that Kendall had to laugh. He tossed his phone back on the bedside table while shaking his head.

“I got nothing man, maybe we just got hot?”

“True. Neither of us is glowing in that I-got-laid kind of way,” Logan mused.

“That’s only for people who remember and get to rub it in the rest of the worlds face,” Kendall snorted and laid back down because his head wasn’t liking all of this vertical stuff.

“Our options are one- nothing happened and we might need to join a nudist colony, two- dry humping, three- hand jobs, four- blow jobs or five- I had sex with you but you’re a cock slut so you can’t tell.” Logan ticked the options off on his fingers as he went, ignoring Kendall’s various facial expressions.

“Excuse me! I’m not the one that flirts with and would fuck anything he could!” Kendall protested, because if anyone was a cock slut, it was totally Logan.

“No, you’re the one who’d get fucked by anything if he could and who can’t form a coherent sentence around the people you like! Not conducive to trying to pick people up, may I remind you,” Logan pointed out and Kendall didn’t care that he might have a point on that last bit.

“You leave my mad skills alone! They are so pimp you fell for them so if you’re going to pick on them you’ll be demeaning yourself too!” Kendall was impressed with his own use of big words like ‘demeaning’ this early in the morning with a hangover. Logan just scoffed in disgust. 

 “You really think your lame ass ‘honesty is the best policy, be yourself!’ namby pamby touchy feely pick up lines would get to me? You live in a very special kind of fantasy land.”

“Yeah, well, shut up.” Kendall grumped because he didn’t have any good comebacks anymore. “You liked making out with me or you wouldn’t have tried to get all up on this,” he preened, waving a hand at himself. Logan looked down at Kendall for a moment, like he’s considering something from where he’s still sitting by Kendall’s knees. “What?” Kendall asked and Logan gave another casual shrug.

“Nothing,” he responded, but then at Kendall’s eyebrow raise he continued. “I mean, you didn’t suck but you weren’t that good, don’t feel all impressed with yourself.” Logan said, but he’s rolling his eyes a little and they kind of get caught on the ceiling over to the side and Kendall’s brain remembered something he read once.

“You’re lying!” He crowed and laughed while Logan glared at him.

“No I’m not!”

“Yes, you are! Looking up to the left means you’re lying!” Kendall explained excitedly because the tables had turned and it seemed like he was winning now.

“Who are you, Doctor Phil?” Logan crossed his arms and huffed a little. “I’m not lying,” he said lamely and Kendall felt like he was grinning his face off because he could see the little bit of a blush on Logan’s face.

“N’aaaawwwwa, Logie, you liked making out with me and my hot bod!” Kendall reached out to poke Logan’s side but Logan slapped his hand away.

“I did not!” Logan grimaced at him, making a gagging disgusted face.

“I’m sorry, who straddled whom?” Kendall pointed out and Logan made a few faces of unhappy defeat.

“You don’t- It wasn’t- Okay, I haven’t really gotten laid in a while so-“

“You think I’m _goooorrrgeous_ ,” Kendall sing-songed and Logan gaped at him.

“Kendall, seriously? _Miss Congeniality_?”

“You want to _daaaaate meeeeee_ ,” he continued and Logan slapped him on the hip but Kendall just cackled a little. “Love me and _maaaaarrrry me_ ,” He waved Logan’s left hand in his face again because in all the commotion Logan hadn’t taken off the ring. Logan yanked his hand away and the blush on his face got a little more pronounced as he frowned at Kendall.

“You’re stupid,” he said, taking off the ring and watching it roll between his fingers as he played with it.

“But I’m not wrong, am I?” Kendall asked, sitting up on his elbows and wiggled his toes in vindicated glee.

“….You wouldn’t be the worst person to wake up to naked next to, okay? That’s all I’m saying,” Logan begrudged, but still didn’t look at him and kept playing with the ring. “I’ve done worse. At least you know how I like my coffee and you seemed up for fooling around in the morning, which I think is one of the best ways to wake up, so yeah.”

“Awwwa, you’re so cute! C’mere you big softie!” Kendall grabbed Logan, circling his arms around his chest and pulling Logan down to lay with him again, rubbing his face on the top of Logan’s head. He couldn’t see it, but he was sure Logan had the same expression as a cat that had gotten one of those stupid lion hair cuts or a bird with its feathers all fluffed up- a grumpy but obliging _‘I might kill you later for this’_ kind of looks. “You’re totally smitten with Schmidt, you _knoooow_ it.”

“Oh, god, terrible puns. And so not true,” Logan muttered, but he’s grinning a little. “I’m only keeping you around for halfway decent sexual uses.” Kendall barked out a laugh.

“Pft, halfway decent, I’ll show _you_ ‘halfway decent’,” he said and pushed Logan onto his back, straddling him before he leaned down for a kiss. Logan held up his hand before Kendall got too far.

“A breath mint would already upgrade this from ‘halfway decent’ to ‘mildly good’, just sayin’.” Logan shrugged a little with one shoulder, looking innocently up at Kendall.

“You’re lucky I put up with you,” Kendall shook his head a little and raised an eye brow in disbelief.

“You’ll be singing another tune real soon, promise,” Logan gave Kendall a dirty grin and Kendall scrambled for Tic Tacs he knew were somewhere in the drawer next to the bed. 

All in all, this wasn’t a bad morning.


End file.
